what are boundaries ya know? like as a kid boundaries were things put in place to keep us safe in the eyes of our parents. boundaries of how far we could go in the yard, or how late you could stay out with friends.
boundaries were things schools created to keep order and ‘focus’ with dress codes and closed campuses. boundaries are the rules within workplaces that protect you from being harassed and that keep the business running smoothly.
we have accepted boundaries being created for us our whole lives but somehow have trouble creating our own boundaries made for our own safety, protection and order.
what are boundaries? to me, boundaries are healthy parameters in place for behavior/situations/emotions you will or will not tolerate.
Sounds easy but for some reason is super hard because we are raised in a society that creates people pleasers. I talk about this in Practicing Self Love: Where to Start & How To Do It. It’s a matter of self love at the end of the day which is something else we weren’t taught to love.
This year for me has been a year of reflection and reconfiguration. Reflecting on where I am, the patterns that have created unspoken roles in my life, how I’m treated and how I treat others. Then reconfiguring how these things actively live in my life and doing so by establishing boundaries.
What am I involved with?
Who are in my daily/weekly/monthly circle?
What are the top 4 things I give my energy too?
- How is that energy reciprocated?
What are things I do every day/week/month/year just for myself?
What is the tone of my inner voice lately?
Once you start with these questions, so many more will come into your consciousness for you to answer and write them all down, along with the answers.
When you look at everything in front of you it becomes easy to see everything as a whole and begin connecting dots and asking follow-up questions.
Like for the question “what am I involved with” you might then ask yourself “Why am I involved with this?”
Next thing you know you will have a page or pages full of things you know is needed and why you need them. From there, reconfiguration begins.
Reconfigure, realign, reevaluate – all the Re’s.
This is the fun but also hard part. A, it’s where you get to take control and make conscious changes for what you deserve. B, it’s where you have to most likely communicate your feelings to people and create boundaries with outside forces.
It’s all empowering at the end of the day and so so necessary. If we don’t take time to reflect and reconfigure what’s going on in our life that’s when we fall into the hamster wheel of things and years begin to slip by.
don’t just live.. LIVE.
By answering those earlier questions along with your own you will be giving yourself the answers to freedom.
Evaluate! Is what you’re feeling or dealing with because of your responses or lack of response to the situation?
Is what you’re feeling or dealing with because of to much or not enough energy from an outside source? (person, place, thing, whatever)
Is what you’re feeling or dealing with because of too much or lack of attention on your part or someone else’s?
Find the roots. Diiiiig for the roots of everything and look at that root straight in the damn face. Face your change.
Then make your change.
That’s gonna look different for every person, but you will know what those steps are. Find the courage to take them.. You can do anything.
Learn From Me.. lol
We don’t need to all make the same mistakes right? meh. Idk, i’ve done this my whole life because I’m selfishly all about self love (ha) and these are just some things I’ve picked up.
So – these are a couple “tips”(?) that might make your experience… gentler 🙂
- Before you start to actually address anything you feel with any outside source, reflect HARD. Take as much time as you need to think and feel through what you are about to change. Words can’t be unsaid and actions can’t be undone. Make sure you are aligning with the highest version of yourself before doing anything. Meditate, write, draw, walk, run, sleep… Take time.
- When talking to folks about how they affect you always speak about YOURSELF from your point of view. for example instead of starting a sentence with “when you do this..” start with “I feel really _____ when this happens” by talking about things from an objective stance rather than a “you make me feel” stance the person you’re addressing MIGHT receive things better.
- DO NOT take people’s projections personally. “an unhealed person will take offense to pretty much anything you say or do”. Do your best to share your perspective gently, but honestly no matter how you word things to some people, they will take it personally and project that to you. That’s not your shit, it’s theirs.
- Look FORWARD not back. When it comes to the inner-stimulus that needs attention aka good/bad habits, self love practices etc. completely lose sight of all “time lost” and consciously start at and look forward from day one. Even if day one has to happen a few million times. As soon as focus shifts from what CAN be done to what wasn’t done the negative self talk comes in – just avoid it. BE HERE NOW. And remember only NOW exists.
- Start SLOW. Once you’ve created your boundaries, looked at the practices you need to implement and found your new balance – take things one step at a time. It’s not impossible to go from 0-100 just like that but it’s much more gentle to go from 1-2 then 2-3 and so on. Shoot, even going up by 5’s.. Just remember that even if you start rotating your life only 1 degree at a time, you will eventually hit 180, it’s about how graceful and kind you do it.
Boundaries are important.. So so important, and it’s never to late to learn that you have complete control of how you experience this life. Experience it how you desire and deserve.
Until next time, Friend.